NEVER. HEAT. PIE.

So here we go. This has to be one the most memorable restaurant experiences of my life.

A woman called my restaurant today:

"I would like you to save a piece of apple pie for when I come in later today for lunch."

"Absolutely, we'll have it sitting and ready for you!" replied the waitress who answered the call.

With care, she took the last slice of pie from the refrigerated display case to the counter top, where she then proceeded to gingerly lay the slice on a dining plate she took time to decorate with chocolate swirls in a spider-web shape. Lovely! The plate and pie was placed back into the display case, where it remained for several hours.

At approximately 11:3o AM, the lady arrived. Unnerved by the fact that there wasn't a red, velvet carpet leading from the entrance of the restaurant to the pie case, she shuffled around, trying to crane her head over the register until someone would acknowledge her presence. I responded.

"Hello, mam. May I hel--"

"I called ahead to save a slice of apple pie. Where is it?"

"Oh well it's right here, mam. We have it on a plate and everyth--"

"Can you put that into a box already?? I don't want anybody else taking it. It's for me!"

I blinked once with confusion, but I remembered she was not telepathic. The entire serving staff had been alerted ahead of time to this arrangement. We were all well aware of her ownership of the pastry. Nevertheless, she still was not aware that I knew it was hers. I forgave her, and then put the pie slice into a pink pastry box. I informed her waitress of the change.

Rant of A Restaurant Employee Post #1 - The Salmonella Egg Scare

If there's ever been a good enough reason for me to start a blog, it's to chronicle the crap-tastic things that happen to us faithful, hard working servants of the food industry. Waiters get a shit-ton of flak from whiney, greedy, selfish customers (American and foreign) and it's high time I start to list off the unwaivering evidence of their ignorance.

The highlight of this post: The Salmonella Egg Scare.

I didn't even realize this was an issue lately. Supposedly there's been a recall of a number of brands of eggs that have gotten a number of people sick in the last few days across the nation.

Since I don't watch TV (except for decent shows, like Mad Men, Dirty Jobs, and the Daily Show/Colbert Report) I first found out of this even being a problem by one of my customers.

"So, how's your Salmonella situation?"

"....What situation?" I replied.

"Have you guys been having a problem with your eggs?"

Well....Gee... I don't know. But lets ask the 200 other guests in our restaurant, and the 600 other guests who have come in to eat here in the last 3 days, if they seem to think there's a problem with our eggs. Survey says?....Oh wait, they can't talk. Everyone around you has their faces stuffed with our omelettes.

COME ON!

First, if you were really so concerned about the salmonella problem and worried there might be the potential to get it from our restaurant, you should have probably called ahead before sitting your fat ass down in my seat. I'd gladly have given it to another customer who's immune system and intellect prevent him for giving a shit.

Second, are you trying to prove to your floozy girlfriend that you're some sort of braniac who's on top of his current events? Are you some sort of self-righteous egotist who loves to prove that he can check his RSS feed on his iPhone to help him keep an edge on life?

Please. Sweet. Jesus. Before you ask another question like that, sir, look around you. If you had two eyes and a brain and a sixth grade education, you could clearly see that on this lovely Sunday afternoon you chose to come to our dining establishment NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO CARE. So what are you trying to prove to ask this question? That you are concerned for your health and wellbeing? Who isn't? And if so, I refer you back to my previous statement: call ahead. Don't sound like a typical paranoid American who gives in to the media's scare tactics to generate viewership. Use your brain, or whatever is left that reality television and porn haven't seriously destroyed. Becuase ultimately, what does it matter if you do get salmonella? You'll be sick, and your immune system is nature's way of saying "Fuck you disease" and will kick it to the curb.

Have some faith in yourself--in your instincts--and don't just repeat everything you hear. Save us all the wasted energy of pretending to care about your problems.

Anchor babies (via The Atlantic Wire)

http://www.theatlanticwire.com/features/view/feature/Anchor-Babies-Circa-1620-1823

Makes you think.